@dayoadewunmi FULL CIRCLE

GUEST POST: FULL CIRCLE BY [@dayoadewunmi]

Wednesday, March 11, 2015Omobaswagz H

Source : Adedayo Adewunmi (@dayoadewunmi)

The pain was sharp and intense, as if something was trying to rip her stomach apart from the inside. It had not been this bad the day before. But then the day before, she didn’t know that the life that had started to grow inside of her was no more. Zia cried out and clutched her belly as another wave of cramps gripped her and would not let up. She was inconsolable, not because of the pain but because of the realization that came with knowing what was happening. She had lost it. Her baby was gone and her body was trying to expel any evidence that it was ever there. Her grief was so shattering and selfish in its totality that she couldn’t muster up the strength to console Malik. She cried because she believed her body had failed her in the worst way possible. She cried because she couldn’t think of any other way to mourn what could have been. She cried because that was the only emotion she could manage…

It’s too small to kick. Zia laid a hand on her slightly swollen belly and smiled to herself. Even after several uneventful weeks and the last scan that had banished any last trace of doubt concerning the status of her pregnancy, she still didn’t know how to be, or how to feel, or what to expect.

After the first miscarriage and how it had left her all broken up inside, when she found out she was pregnant again, what she felt was a wave of bitter sweet emotions. Her joy was dampened by the fear of another loss. The pain of her first loss had been more psychological than physical. It had consumed her completely; a short but very intense heartbreaking pain and disappointment that her body had failed to do what should have been the most natural thing. Finding out she was again pregnant, she almost couldn’t accept it. She felt like she needed to be convinced that this one was here to stay before she could let herself be happy about it.

Contrary to what Malik thought, her first loss had not in any way weakened her resolve to keep trying. The first one had not come effortlessly. She had needed a bit of help medically to make it happen. But she wasn’t scared to try again. She was even more determined. There was no mad pressure to have children, but she realized it was time when she couldn’t stop thinking or dreaming about babies. She chose to believe the fact that she had lost it only meant that she could have one and her plumbing works just fine. She chose to believe that her loss was only preparing her for something even more special that she had to appreciate more. Her very own rainbow after the storm.

Hearing it’s little frantic heartbeat for the first time almost brought tears to her eyes. It was real. It was alive and it was ridiculously tiny. But it was growing inside of her. Her body was changing dramatically too and it was driving her insane. She could not deal with not having control over her body anymore. She missed the days her nose and taste buds worked in sync. When her clothes used to fit effortlessly. Even the baggy ones. Now, her body was barely recognizable to her. She had gone up almost three dress sizes in a matter of months. In all fairness, the weight gain had actually begun with the first pregnancy, which was only a couple of months ago. All the same, she was not accustomed to having so much flesh on her bones. She was 5’3” and round wasn’t particularly the most flattering shape on her. She wasn’t proportioned to carry so much weight elegantly. Like a ballerina the size of Dumbo the flying baby elephant. Her appetite had gone haywire. For the most part, she couldn’t stand some of the things she used to love, like chocolates and chicken. Up was down and down was sideways as far was her mouth was concerned.

You can read the concluding part on her blog: http://zoeyphoenix.wordpress.com

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