Anger Management in Relationships
Guest Post
10 Tips For Effective Anger Management in Relationships
Monday, May 13, 2013Omoba
by Dr. Susan Heitler
Fellow readers, i came across this piece of note and thought it would be nice sharing with you ...., In relationships, we all have our fights, and
having the occasional heated debate with your significant other is even
healthy. But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the arguments
can quickly get out of hand. Follow these 10 tips for effective anger
management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.
1. Know when to make an exit. Remove yourself from
a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room,
gracefully change the topic.
2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. Exit
when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to 10. By the time you’re up
over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous
indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make
your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger
makes what I want feel holy and what you want is totally insignificant.”)
3. Change your focus. Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.
4. Evoke peace and laughter. Find something to
think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and
picture yourself on a beach.
5. Breathe deeply. Clear the air emotionally by
clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that
helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when
you’re trying to douse your inner fire.
6. Relax your muscles. Hang your arms limply. Focus
especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.
7. Put on a smile. Even if you have to force
yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive
thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.
8. Test the waters. Before you try addressing the
issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan
to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you
and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing
again into sensitive realms.
9. Make agreements. Re-launch the tough topic by
agreeing on points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by
saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”
10. Talk through the problem calmly and
effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view. Share your concerns
on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for
solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties
to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same
time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern
is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before
and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.
The goal is to add your perspective by quietly
explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child
having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to
do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or
on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing
on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause
more relationship problems.
Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all
you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships and you just might
find yourself much more successful in making your relationships last. With the
ability to prevent and also to fix marriage and other other relationship
problems, you may even find yourself feeling increasingly secure and
self-confident.
____________
Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of the "Power
of Two" book, workbook and web-based relationship program that teaches the
skills for sustaining strong and loving partnerships. This article was
originally published on Huffington Post
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